3 1/2 Years....

How in the world has time gone by so fast? It was totally by accident that I even remembered that we lost Dasha 3 1/2 years ago. It is like my body knew. I have been feeling weepy/ sad for a few days with no explanation and then today, I stumbled upon the ticker that showed how the time has gone. I still feel Dasha. I don't remember how she looked, but I remember how she smelled when I held her close. She will always be my little girl.

I have a second little girl who is growing up way too fast. I have discovered about myself that I am never content. I need to learn to rest in the moment. I tend to wish away time but one can never get it back. I was so frustrated with Alina today. She's been teething and so fussy. I have not had time to myself. I have not learned how to balance being an individual, mother and wife. Does one learn how to do this? I stay up too late just to have quiet, alone time. John sleeps. Alina sleeps. I usually do dishes and the computer. So, it is not that special, but I crave something. Life never goes as you expect. I only hold my firstborn in my heart. I got pregnant with my second daughter while attending school, only to realize that I needed to be a Mommy first and who knows when I will be a teacher. We are stuck in a little, and I mean little, apartment. Winter is closing in and so my feeling of being stuck is exemplified.

I watched Steel Magnolias tonight. Long story short, I want to really feel Alina. I need to find a way to connect with her. I am so scared that something will happen and that I won't be able to protect her. I need to make some critical improvements in my life so I can be the Mommy that she deserves.

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What a difference a year makes....

Unbelievable... but true and I give all the glory to God. I have a little girl- my own, to hold in my arms. She smiles when she wakes up from her nap and flaps her arms. She is so excited to see her MOMMY- and that's me! I am so happy. We have had our ups and downs. I have discovered that being a Mom is nothing like what I expected but it has so many outstanding joys. I love my little girl but I do miss my little one that I can only hold in my heart. I find myself thinking about Alina having a big sister- what would it be like. So much life has happened since we lost Dasha. I cherish my memory of her as it grows more and more distant and fleeting. It is like a dream and then some days the loss feels like deep gashes and an open wound. I miss her and hope to be a wonderful mom who cherishes every moment with my little girl that I can scoop and hold anytime I want. Thank you heavenly Father for being merciful and kind. You have given me the gift that I so desperately wanted. I praise your Name!

Welcoming Home

Baby girl, welcome your great-grandpa home... I already miss you both.

Oh, What a Year it has Been...

So, it's been a year since I delivered my daughter and got to hold her. I am so thankful for that time with her. I still remember exactly what I wanted to remember.... her smell, touch and warmth. She was so perfect and tiny, yet I was surprised at how big she was- I couldn't believe that she came out of me! 25 weeks- a full pound and so long! She had my toes and John's ears. God blessed us during that time and He continues to do so. I would never choose to walk down this path and because I have school to look forward too, I am calm and content but it has been VERY hard. I have had moments when I thought I would never survive the pain- I never knew emotional pain could be so painful. My arms still feel very empty and I get desperate for a child at times. I want a baby so bad but am terrified at the thought. My feelings go up and down so fast. I get angry that I'm running out of time and don't have the life that I thought I would as I approach 30. I feel like I lost 5 years- wasted them. I am going to school in a month and am very excited about it however I wonder if this will replace my dream for a child and family. I wish I wasn't so angry and bitter about life. I hope God will forgive me for being so...

My thought that was very comforting on Saturday was that Dasha has been in heaven for a year. She has been in Jesus' presence and has had no pain or tears. I miss her dreadfully and wonder what it would have been like to have a little one crawling or perhaps walking around our place now. I wish that she would have gotten to know her cousin. I wish that my grandparents could have met her but it looks like they will meet her in heaven before me. I think of the people that have passed away that have impacted my life and they know her up there in heaven. The grandma that held the babies in our church nursery is perhaps holding my Dasha right now. Who knows, but it is comforting to think about her happy and safe.

I was really touched by people who remembered this sad date... one friend gave me a hug and another a flower. It was so nice and meant the world to me.

Dasha, you are my little girl who I still have yet to meet. I miss you and love you so much.

Patent Leather Mary-Janes

Life has been so overwhelming lately- I have had meltdowns which is not normal. I have thinking about Dasha more than ever. In less than a month, it will have been a year since we lost her. Last week, Easter was so hard... I did not enjoy seeing all the little girls dressed up with their new Easter dresses. That was such a big thing to me when growing up- the new Easter dress and shoes so I even considered buying a little dress but thankfully didn't. It seems a little crazy as I look back on that thought. Truthfully, this past month I have had some very crazy ideas. I'm sure it's the combination of the stress of the pending test scores and the anniversary date of Dasha's death. It is so big and real to me and I feel so alone with my grief. I really have been grieving again- I miss her, I really miss not having my daughter and I miss not being a mom. I want to be a mom so much. I have been sacrificing that desire to pursue my teaching degree, but at this moment being a mom is all I want. I see so many mother's that are stressed and easily frusterated and I wish they would just realize what they have. I wish they could just stop and cuddle their child and be thankful. Lesson: we never realize what we have until its gone.

Revisiting an old Goal...

In the spirit of trying to get healthy and have a good life, I have the following goal: exercise 30 minutes a day. It sounds so easy, but I really need to do it. I have been having joint pain and I am scared of the possibility of having Lupus or something like that... we never had a diagnosis but it leaves one wondering. Anyway, being already diagnosed with pcos, I really need to be pro-active in weight management. So even thought I feel awful today, I want to try to get out and walk for 30 minutes. It might make me feel better! On that note, it is a superb day today; gorgeous and sunny!

Tears

I am so overwhelmed right now and stressed. I wish I could hide for the next 2 weeks. I am studying for an exam and if I pass I will be accepted to grad school. If I don't pass then I'm not accepted to the school. It is so the best thing right now for us. We really need to get away.


I feel like I'm shutting down emotionally and am not sure what to do about it. Is it the birth control pills? I am sad all the time, but the cleansing tears finally fell tonight. It could be from all the stress but I think the real reason is fresh memories. I'm currently staying at my grandparents house with the responsibility of being my grandma's caregiver. I was doing that same thing when I got pregnant.


I so wish I could hold my daughter in my arms right now or go and look at her sleeping in her crib. Instead, I have her hospital blanket on my lap because that is the only thing I have of her.... So, I hope I can get into school. I hope it goes fast because I cannot wait to get off these pills and try to get pregnant. I have no idea what the future holds right now, but I'm really hoping that God will be merciful to me. Please let me pass my math exam.

Moving On...

Well, it's been a long while since I last wrote. I got through the holidays which were difficult and I started birth control. I'm now on my second cycle and just feel numb. I'm not sure if that is due to the birth control or the fact that I'm moving on. It seems like a terrible thing to say. I'll never be over Dasha's loss but maybe.... I've decided to go to graduate school and get my teacher's license- hence the reason for the birth control. I'm sending the application in tomorrow. I had to write a paper on my philosophy of life and I have to say that Dasha's death has greatly influenced how I perceive life now. I see the creation and the finality of life. It is weird how life is so final. There are no second chances or last moments- do they really happen? For some reason, I wish Dasha had been able to breathe. It seems so incomplete. Why did God create her just to take her away? She looked so perfect and small. Her body was so still and fragile. Her smell, I hope I never forget her smell. I don't think I will. It is ingrained into me from that time. I felt so powerful after I gave birth, but I'm losing that now. Am I relying on my future career to give me that powerful feeling? I guess all I can say is that I'm moving on to an unknown future and am so scared that I am numb. My feelings are gone- emotions empty. I guess I'm building a wall.

Stincture

Visited the doctor today and found out that Dasha's cord issue is called a cord stincture. I also found out that not only will I have issues getting pregnant (thanks to PCOS), I most likely will have issues staying pregnant. I couldn't stay strong for that one... broke down and now feel empty again. I miss not having my baby.

Alone

Discovered on an old e-mail, written to a friend August, 2008:


"It's really hard to keep your faith when you go through death and especially unexpected death because there aren't any answers and you're left alone and disoriented."

Remembering

I have been looking at photos of my pregnancy... photos where John and I are both on the phone sharing the good news last Christmas, ultrasound pictures where I was worried about how large Dasha's nose looked, and then I ran across this picture on my mom's computer. The day of the funeral was so nice... if I can say that. I remember feeling so surrounded by love and support. It was Dasha's day- a time where we honored her life. Our Pastor did such a nice job of sharing about a baby's development in the womb and we had such wonderful special music and we sang such inspiring hymns. That is her little urn and a card of her stamped feet- they were so small but so perfect.

I wish I had been happier being pregnant with Dasha. I felt from the very beginning that I had to protect her... to be extra careful. I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. Up until then, I really thought that I would never be pregnant. I never really believed that I was...

I want so much to be pregnant again and to have a baby. I want to be a mom and every month, God's answer is no/ not yet and it is SO hard to wait. Why can't it just happen? Will I even be able to relax and enjoy the next pregnancy if it does? Why did this have to happen to me?

Word-ology

Today I got a call from my doctor; follow-up test results and all. During the conversation, she used the words "Dasha's demise." I've been hearing that phrase now all day in my head and I hate it. It sounds so dark and final. It makes Dasha seem like less of a human being.

I have a friend that used the phrase 'born still' and it is much more comforting to hear.

Dasha, born still May 8th, 2009.
I miss you and think about you all the time.

Hard Heart...

I read a quote today about a person getting a hard heart the further they are away from nature. I have always thought about myself in terms of my "heart." While losing Dasha, I never wanted to get a hard heart- to be callous to the world and live in anger. I had some bad experiences while in Bible college and got a hard heart; I was especially angry at God. So, this time around I made a conscious decision to not be angry at God and therefore to have a soft heart.

I can say for the most part, I have been up and down, hard and soft with how I've dealt with the loss. I look back, amazed, at how I handled planning the funeral and had such a soft heart towards the Lord. I was immersed in Scripture and I didn't blame Him... trust me, I had tons of questions. Now, I'm coming off of a time where my heart has been very hard. I really blamed God for the loss of my baby and the fact that I am still not pregnant. I wonder how my deepest desire has still been denied. I don't see a lesson in all of this. My husband says that things DON'T have to happen for a reason.

There's so much to say about where I am now... I don't want to get into it. I know that after another negative pregnancy test I am again feeling lost and overwhelmed in sadness. I miss her so much and all of the lost opportunities of not being Dasha's mommy.

The Beginning...

So, why have I decided to begin blogging?

Losing my daughter has been the hardest thing in my life- there will never be enough words to accurately describe the pain of my loss. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to experience her life, while still in me. I felt her move and when she was born still, I was able to see how perfect she was; she had my toes and my husband's ears.

I want to be able to share about her and my journey without her. We named our daughter Dasha, which in Ukraine means gift. She was a wonderful gift from God.