Tears

I am so overwhelmed right now and stressed. I wish I could hide for the next 2 weeks. I am studying for an exam and if I pass I will be accepted to grad school. If I don't pass then I'm not accepted to the school. It is so the best thing right now for us. We really need to get away.


I feel like I'm shutting down emotionally and am not sure what to do about it. Is it the birth control pills? I am sad all the time, but the cleansing tears finally fell tonight. It could be from all the stress but I think the real reason is fresh memories. I'm currently staying at my grandparents house with the responsibility of being my grandma's caregiver. I was doing that same thing when I got pregnant.


I so wish I could hold my daughter in my arms right now or go and look at her sleeping in her crib. Instead, I have her hospital blanket on my lap because that is the only thing I have of her.... So, I hope I can get into school. I hope it goes fast because I cannot wait to get off these pills and try to get pregnant. I have no idea what the future holds right now, but I'm really hoping that God will be merciful to me. Please let me pass my math exam.

Moving On...

Well, it's been a long while since I last wrote. I got through the holidays which were difficult and I started birth control. I'm now on my second cycle and just feel numb. I'm not sure if that is due to the birth control or the fact that I'm moving on. It seems like a terrible thing to say. I'll never be over Dasha's loss but maybe.... I've decided to go to graduate school and get my teacher's license- hence the reason for the birth control. I'm sending the application in tomorrow. I had to write a paper on my philosophy of life and I have to say that Dasha's death has greatly influenced how I perceive life now. I see the creation and the finality of life. It is weird how life is so final. There are no second chances or last moments- do they really happen? For some reason, I wish Dasha had been able to breathe. It seems so incomplete. Why did God create her just to take her away? She looked so perfect and small. Her body was so still and fragile. Her smell, I hope I never forget her smell. I don't think I will. It is ingrained into me from that time. I felt so powerful after I gave birth, but I'm losing that now. Am I relying on my future career to give me that powerful feeling? I guess all I can say is that I'm moving on to an unknown future and am so scared that I am numb. My feelings are gone- emotions empty. I guess I'm building a wall.

Stincture

Visited the doctor today and found out that Dasha's cord issue is called a cord stincture. I also found out that not only will I have issues getting pregnant (thanks to PCOS), I most likely will have issues staying pregnant. I couldn't stay strong for that one... broke down and now feel empty again. I miss not having my baby.

Alone

Discovered on an old e-mail, written to a friend August, 2008:


"It's really hard to keep your faith when you go through death and especially unexpected death because there aren't any answers and you're left alone and disoriented."

Remembering

I have been looking at photos of my pregnancy... photos where John and I are both on the phone sharing the good news last Christmas, ultrasound pictures where I was worried about how large Dasha's nose looked, and then I ran across this picture on my mom's computer. The day of the funeral was so nice... if I can say that. I remember feeling so surrounded by love and support. It was Dasha's day- a time where we honored her life. Our Pastor did such a nice job of sharing about a baby's development in the womb and we had such wonderful special music and we sang such inspiring hymns. That is her little urn and a card of her stamped feet- they were so small but so perfect.

I wish I had been happier being pregnant with Dasha. I felt from the very beginning that I had to protect her... to be extra careful. I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. Up until then, I really thought that I would never be pregnant. I never really believed that I was...

I want so much to be pregnant again and to have a baby. I want to be a mom and every month, God's answer is no/ not yet and it is SO hard to wait. Why can't it just happen? Will I even be able to relax and enjoy the next pregnancy if it does? Why did this have to happen to me?

Word-ology

Today I got a call from my doctor; follow-up test results and all. During the conversation, she used the words "Dasha's demise." I've been hearing that phrase now all day in my head and I hate it. It sounds so dark and final. It makes Dasha seem like less of a human being.

I have a friend that used the phrase 'born still' and it is much more comforting to hear.

Dasha, born still May 8th, 2009.
I miss you and think about you all the time.

Hard Heart...

I read a quote today about a person getting a hard heart the further they are away from nature. I have always thought about myself in terms of my "heart." While losing Dasha, I never wanted to get a hard heart- to be callous to the world and live in anger. I had some bad experiences while in Bible college and got a hard heart; I was especially angry at God. So, this time around I made a conscious decision to not be angry at God and therefore to have a soft heart.

I can say for the most part, I have been up and down, hard and soft with how I've dealt with the loss. I look back, amazed, at how I handled planning the funeral and had such a soft heart towards the Lord. I was immersed in Scripture and I didn't blame Him... trust me, I had tons of questions. Now, I'm coming off of a time where my heart has been very hard. I really blamed God for the loss of my baby and the fact that I am still not pregnant. I wonder how my deepest desire has still been denied. I don't see a lesson in all of this. My husband says that things DON'T have to happen for a reason.

There's so much to say about where I am now... I don't want to get into it. I know that after another negative pregnancy test I am again feeling lost and overwhelmed in sadness. I miss her so much and all of the lost opportunities of not being Dasha's mommy.