Alone

Discovered on an old e-mail, written to a friend August, 2008:


"It's really hard to keep your faith when you go through death and especially unexpected death because there aren't any answers and you're left alone and disoriented."

Remembering

I have been looking at photos of my pregnancy... photos where John and I are both on the phone sharing the good news last Christmas, ultrasound pictures where I was worried about how large Dasha's nose looked, and then I ran across this picture on my mom's computer. The day of the funeral was so nice... if I can say that. I remember feeling so surrounded by love and support. It was Dasha's day- a time where we honored her life. Our Pastor did such a nice job of sharing about a baby's development in the womb and we had such wonderful special music and we sang such inspiring hymns. That is her little urn and a card of her stamped feet- they were so small but so perfect.

I wish I had been happier being pregnant with Dasha. I felt from the very beginning that I had to protect her... to be extra careful. I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. Up until then, I really thought that I would never be pregnant. I never really believed that I was...

I want so much to be pregnant again and to have a baby. I want to be a mom and every month, God's answer is no/ not yet and it is SO hard to wait. Why can't it just happen? Will I even be able to relax and enjoy the next pregnancy if it does? Why did this have to happen to me?