Moving On...

Well, it's been a long while since I last wrote. I got through the holidays which were difficult and I started birth control. I'm now on my second cycle and just feel numb. I'm not sure if that is due to the birth control or the fact that I'm moving on. It seems like a terrible thing to say. I'll never be over Dasha's loss but maybe.... I've decided to go to graduate school and get my teacher's license- hence the reason for the birth control. I'm sending the application in tomorrow. I had to write a paper on my philosophy of life and I have to say that Dasha's death has greatly influenced how I perceive life now. I see the creation and the finality of life. It is weird how life is so final. There are no second chances or last moments- do they really happen? For some reason, I wish Dasha had been able to breathe. It seems so incomplete. Why did God create her just to take her away? She looked so perfect and small. Her body was so still and fragile. Her smell, I hope I never forget her smell. I don't think I will. It is ingrained into me from that time. I felt so powerful after I gave birth, but I'm losing that now. Am I relying on my future career to give me that powerful feeling? I guess all I can say is that I'm moving on to an unknown future and am so scared that I am numb. My feelings are gone- emotions empty. I guess I'm building a wall.