Welcoming Home

Baby girl, welcome your great-grandpa home... I already miss you both.

Oh, What a Year it has Been...

So, it's been a year since I delivered my daughter and got to hold her. I am so thankful for that time with her. I still remember exactly what I wanted to remember.... her smell, touch and warmth. She was so perfect and tiny, yet I was surprised at how big she was- I couldn't believe that she came out of me! 25 weeks- a full pound and so long! She had my toes and John's ears. God blessed us during that time and He continues to do so. I would never choose to walk down this path and because I have school to look forward too, I am calm and content but it has been VERY hard. I have had moments when I thought I would never survive the pain- I never knew emotional pain could be so painful. My arms still feel very empty and I get desperate for a child at times. I want a baby so bad but am terrified at the thought. My feelings go up and down so fast. I get angry that I'm running out of time and don't have the life that I thought I would as I approach 30. I feel like I lost 5 years- wasted them. I am going to school in a month and am very excited about it however I wonder if this will replace my dream for a child and family. I wish I wasn't so angry and bitter about life. I hope God will forgive me for being so...

My thought that was very comforting on Saturday was that Dasha has been in heaven for a year. She has been in Jesus' presence and has had no pain or tears. I miss her dreadfully and wonder what it would have been like to have a little one crawling or perhaps walking around our place now. I wish that she would have gotten to know her cousin. I wish that my grandparents could have met her but it looks like they will meet her in heaven before me. I think of the people that have passed away that have impacted my life and they know her up there in heaven. The grandma that held the babies in our church nursery is perhaps holding my Dasha right now. Who knows, but it is comforting to think about her happy and safe.

I was really touched by people who remembered this sad date... one friend gave me a hug and another a flower. It was so nice and meant the world to me.

Dasha, you are my little girl who I still have yet to meet. I miss you and love you so much.

Patent Leather Mary-Janes

Life has been so overwhelming lately- I have had meltdowns which is not normal. I have thinking about Dasha more than ever. In less than a month, it will have been a year since we lost her. Last week, Easter was so hard... I did not enjoy seeing all the little girls dressed up with their new Easter dresses. That was such a big thing to me when growing up- the new Easter dress and shoes so I even considered buying a little dress but thankfully didn't. It seems a little crazy as I look back on that thought. Truthfully, this past month I have had some very crazy ideas. I'm sure it's the combination of the stress of the pending test scores and the anniversary date of Dasha's death. It is so big and real to me and I feel so alone with my grief. I really have been grieving again- I miss her, I really miss not having my daughter and I miss not being a mom. I want to be a mom so much. I have been sacrificing that desire to pursue my teaching degree, but at this moment being a mom is all I want. I see so many mother's that are stressed and easily frusterated and I wish they would just realize what they have. I wish they could just stop and cuddle their child and be thankful. Lesson: we never realize what we have until its gone.

Revisiting an old Goal...

In the spirit of trying to get healthy and have a good life, I have the following goal: exercise 30 minutes a day. It sounds so easy, but I really need to do it. I have been having joint pain and I am scared of the possibility of having Lupus or something like that... we never had a diagnosis but it leaves one wondering. Anyway, being already diagnosed with pcos, I really need to be pro-active in weight management. So even thought I feel awful today, I want to try to get out and walk for 30 minutes. It might make me feel better! On that note, it is a superb day today; gorgeous and sunny!

Tears

I am so overwhelmed right now and stressed. I wish I could hide for the next 2 weeks. I am studying for an exam and if I pass I will be accepted to grad school. If I don't pass then I'm not accepted to the school. It is so the best thing right now for us. We really need to get away.


I feel like I'm shutting down emotionally and am not sure what to do about it. Is it the birth control pills? I am sad all the time, but the cleansing tears finally fell tonight. It could be from all the stress but I think the real reason is fresh memories. I'm currently staying at my grandparents house with the responsibility of being my grandma's caregiver. I was doing that same thing when I got pregnant.


I so wish I could hold my daughter in my arms right now or go and look at her sleeping in her crib. Instead, I have her hospital blanket on my lap because that is the only thing I have of her.... So, I hope I can get into school. I hope it goes fast because I cannot wait to get off these pills and try to get pregnant. I have no idea what the future holds right now, but I'm really hoping that God will be merciful to me. Please let me pass my math exam.

Moving On...

Well, it's been a long while since I last wrote. I got through the holidays which were difficult and I started birth control. I'm now on my second cycle and just feel numb. I'm not sure if that is due to the birth control or the fact that I'm moving on. It seems like a terrible thing to say. I'll never be over Dasha's loss but maybe.... I've decided to go to graduate school and get my teacher's license- hence the reason for the birth control. I'm sending the application in tomorrow. I had to write a paper on my philosophy of life and I have to say that Dasha's death has greatly influenced how I perceive life now. I see the creation and the finality of life. It is weird how life is so final. There are no second chances or last moments- do they really happen? For some reason, I wish Dasha had been able to breathe. It seems so incomplete. Why did God create her just to take her away? She looked so perfect and small. Her body was so still and fragile. Her smell, I hope I never forget her smell. I don't think I will. It is ingrained into me from that time. I felt so powerful after I gave birth, but I'm losing that now. Am I relying on my future career to give me that powerful feeling? I guess all I can say is that I'm moving on to an unknown future and am so scared that I am numb. My feelings are gone- emotions empty. I guess I'm building a wall.