Stincture

Visited the doctor today and found out that Dasha's cord issue is called a cord stincture. I also found out that not only will I have issues getting pregnant (thanks to PCOS), I most likely will have issues staying pregnant. I couldn't stay strong for that one... broke down and now feel empty again. I miss not having my baby.

Alone

Discovered on an old e-mail, written to a friend August, 2008:


"It's really hard to keep your faith when you go through death and especially unexpected death because there aren't any answers and you're left alone and disoriented."

Remembering

I have been looking at photos of my pregnancy... photos where John and I are both on the phone sharing the good news last Christmas, ultrasound pictures where I was worried about how large Dasha's nose looked, and then I ran across this picture on my mom's computer. The day of the funeral was so nice... if I can say that. I remember feeling so surrounded by love and support. It was Dasha's day- a time where we honored her life. Our Pastor did such a nice job of sharing about a baby's development in the womb and we had such wonderful special music and we sang such inspiring hymns. That is her little urn and a card of her stamped feet- they were so small but so perfect.

I wish I had been happier being pregnant with Dasha. I felt from the very beginning that I had to protect her... to be extra careful. I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. Up until then, I really thought that I would never be pregnant. I never really believed that I was...

I want so much to be pregnant again and to have a baby. I want to be a mom and every month, God's answer is no/ not yet and it is SO hard to wait. Why can't it just happen? Will I even be able to relax and enjoy the next pregnancy if it does? Why did this have to happen to me?

Word-ology

Today I got a call from my doctor; follow-up test results and all. During the conversation, she used the words "Dasha's demise." I've been hearing that phrase now all day in my head and I hate it. It sounds so dark and final. It makes Dasha seem like less of a human being.

I have a friend that used the phrase 'born still' and it is much more comforting to hear.

Dasha, born still May 8th, 2009.
I miss you and think about you all the time.

Hard Heart...

I read a quote today about a person getting a hard heart the further they are away from nature. I have always thought about myself in terms of my "heart." While losing Dasha, I never wanted to get a hard heart- to be callous to the world and live in anger. I had some bad experiences while in Bible college and got a hard heart; I was especially angry at God. So, this time around I made a conscious decision to not be angry at God and therefore to have a soft heart.

I can say for the most part, I have been up and down, hard and soft with how I've dealt with the loss. I look back, amazed, at how I handled planning the funeral and had such a soft heart towards the Lord. I was immersed in Scripture and I didn't blame Him... trust me, I had tons of questions. Now, I'm coming off of a time where my heart has been very hard. I really blamed God for the loss of my baby and the fact that I am still not pregnant. I wonder how my deepest desire has still been denied. I don't see a lesson in all of this. My husband says that things DON'T have to happen for a reason.

There's so much to say about where I am now... I don't want to get into it. I know that after another negative pregnancy test I am again feeling lost and overwhelmed in sadness. I miss her so much and all of the lost opportunities of not being Dasha's mommy.

The Beginning...

So, why have I decided to begin blogging?

Losing my daughter has been the hardest thing in my life- there will never be enough words to accurately describe the pain of my loss. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to experience her life, while still in me. I felt her move and when she was born still, I was able to see how perfect she was; she had my toes and my husband's ears.

I want to be able to share about her and my journey without her. We named our daughter Dasha, which in Ukraine means gift. She was a wonderful gift from God.