Hard Heart...

I read a quote today about a person getting a hard heart the further they are away from nature. I have always thought about myself in terms of my "heart." While losing Dasha, I never wanted to get a hard heart- to be callous to the world and live in anger. I had some bad experiences while in Bible college and got a hard heart; I was especially angry at God. So, this time around I made a conscious decision to not be angry at God and therefore to have a soft heart.

I can say for the most part, I have been up and down, hard and soft with how I've dealt with the loss. I look back, amazed, at how I handled planning the funeral and had such a soft heart towards the Lord. I was immersed in Scripture and I didn't blame Him... trust me, I had tons of questions. Now, I'm coming off of a time where my heart has been very hard. I really blamed God for the loss of my baby and the fact that I am still not pregnant. I wonder how my deepest desire has still been denied. I don't see a lesson in all of this. My husband says that things DON'T have to happen for a reason.

There's so much to say about where I am now... I don't want to get into it. I know that after another negative pregnancy test I am again feeling lost and overwhelmed in sadness. I miss her so much and all of the lost opportunities of not being Dasha's mommy.