3 1/2 Years....

How in the world has time gone by so fast? It was totally by accident that I even remembered that we lost Dasha 3 1/2 years ago. It is like my body knew. I have been feeling weepy/ sad for a few days with no explanation and then today, I stumbled upon the ticker that showed how the time has gone. I still feel Dasha. I don't remember how she looked, but I remember how she smelled when I held her close. She will always be my little girl.

I have a second little girl who is growing up way too fast. I have discovered about myself that I am never content. I need to learn to rest in the moment. I tend to wish away time but one can never get it back. I was so frustrated with Alina today. She's been teething and so fussy. I have not had time to myself. I have not learned how to balance being an individual, mother and wife. Does one learn how to do this? I stay up too late just to have quiet, alone time. John sleeps. Alina sleeps. I usually do dishes and the computer. So, it is not that special, but I crave something. Life never goes as you expect. I only hold my firstborn in my heart. I got pregnant with my second daughter while attending school, only to realize that I needed to be a Mommy first and who knows when I will be a teacher. We are stuck in a little, and I mean little, apartment. Winter is closing in and so my feeling of being stuck is exemplified.

I watched Steel Magnolias tonight. Long story short, I want to really feel Alina. I need to find a way to connect with her. I am so scared that something will happen and that I won't be able to protect her. I need to make some critical improvements in my life so I can be the Mommy that she deserves.

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What a difference a year makes....

Unbelievable... but true and I give all the glory to God. I have a little girl- my own, to hold in my arms. She smiles when she wakes up from her nap and flaps her arms. She is so excited to see her MOMMY- and that's me! I am so happy. We have had our ups and downs. I have discovered that being a Mom is nothing like what I expected but it has so many outstanding joys. I love my little girl but I do miss my little one that I can only hold in my heart. I find myself thinking about Alina having a big sister- what would it be like. So much life has happened since we lost Dasha. I cherish my memory of her as it grows more and more distant and fleeting. It is like a dream and then some days the loss feels like deep gashes and an open wound. I miss her and hope to be a wonderful mom who cherishes every moment with my little girl that I can scoop and hold anytime I want. Thank you heavenly Father for being merciful and kind. You have given me the gift that I so desperately wanted. I praise your Name!

Welcoming Home

Baby girl, welcome your great-grandpa home... I already miss you both.

Oh, What a Year it has Been...

So, it's been a year since I delivered my daughter and got to hold her. I am so thankful for that time with her. I still remember exactly what I wanted to remember.... her smell, touch and warmth. She was so perfect and tiny, yet I was surprised at how big she was- I couldn't believe that she came out of me! 25 weeks- a full pound and so long! She had my toes and John's ears. God blessed us during that time and He continues to do so. I would never choose to walk down this path and because I have school to look forward too, I am calm and content but it has been VERY hard. I have had moments when I thought I would never survive the pain- I never knew emotional pain could be so painful. My arms still feel very empty and I get desperate for a child at times. I want a baby so bad but am terrified at the thought. My feelings go up and down so fast. I get angry that I'm running out of time and don't have the life that I thought I would as I approach 30. I feel like I lost 5 years- wasted them. I am going to school in a month and am very excited about it however I wonder if this will replace my dream for a child and family. I wish I wasn't so angry and bitter about life. I hope God will forgive me for being so...

My thought that was very comforting on Saturday was that Dasha has been in heaven for a year. She has been in Jesus' presence and has had no pain or tears. I miss her dreadfully and wonder what it would have been like to have a little one crawling or perhaps walking around our place now. I wish that she would have gotten to know her cousin. I wish that my grandparents could have met her but it looks like they will meet her in heaven before me. I think of the people that have passed away that have impacted my life and they know her up there in heaven. The grandma that held the babies in our church nursery is perhaps holding my Dasha right now. Who knows, but it is comforting to think about her happy and safe.

I was really touched by people who remembered this sad date... one friend gave me a hug and another a flower. It was so nice and meant the world to me.

Dasha, you are my little girl who I still have yet to meet. I miss you and love you so much.

Patent Leather Mary-Janes

Life has been so overwhelming lately- I have had meltdowns which is not normal. I have thinking about Dasha more than ever. In less than a month, it will have been a year since we lost her. Last week, Easter was so hard... I did not enjoy seeing all the little girls dressed up with their new Easter dresses. That was such a big thing to me when growing up- the new Easter dress and shoes so I even considered buying a little dress but thankfully didn't. It seems a little crazy as I look back on that thought. Truthfully, this past month I have had some very crazy ideas. I'm sure it's the combination of the stress of the pending test scores and the anniversary date of Dasha's death. It is so big and real to me and I feel so alone with my grief. I really have been grieving again- I miss her, I really miss not having my daughter and I miss not being a mom. I want to be a mom so much. I have been sacrificing that desire to pursue my teaching degree, but at this moment being a mom is all I want. I see so many mother's that are stressed and easily frusterated and I wish they would just realize what they have. I wish they could just stop and cuddle their child and be thankful. Lesson: we never realize what we have until its gone.

Revisiting an old Goal...

In the spirit of trying to get healthy and have a good life, I have the following goal: exercise 30 minutes a day. It sounds so easy, but I really need to do it. I have been having joint pain and I am scared of the possibility of having Lupus or something like that... we never had a diagnosis but it leaves one wondering. Anyway, being already diagnosed with pcos, I really need to be pro-active in weight management. So even thought I feel awful today, I want to try to get out and walk for 30 minutes. It might make me feel better! On that note, it is a superb day today; gorgeous and sunny!