3 1/2 Years....

How in the world has time gone by so fast? It was totally by accident that I even remembered that we lost Dasha 3 1/2 years ago. It is like my body knew. I have been feeling weepy/ sad for a few days with no explanation and then today, I stumbled upon the ticker that showed how the time has gone. I still feel Dasha. I don't remember how she looked, but I remember how she smelled when I held her close. She will always be my little girl.

I have a second little girl who is growing up way too fast. I have discovered about myself that I am never content. I need to learn to rest in the moment. I tend to wish away time but one can never get it back. I was so frustrated with Alina today. She's been teething and so fussy. I have not had time to myself. I have not learned how to balance being an individual, mother and wife. Does one learn how to do this? I stay up too late just to have quiet, alone time. John sleeps. Alina sleeps. I usually do dishes and the computer. So, it is not that special, but I crave something. Life never goes as you expect. I only hold my firstborn in my heart. I got pregnant with my second daughter while attending school, only to realize that I needed to be a Mommy first and who knows when I will be a teacher. We are stuck in a little, and I mean little, apartment. Winter is closing in and so my feeling of being stuck is exemplified.

I watched Steel Magnolias tonight. Long story short, I want to really feel Alina. I need to find a way to connect with her. I am so scared that something will happen and that I won't be able to protect her. I need to make some critical improvements in my life so I can be the Mommy that she deserves.