So, it's been a year since I delivered my daughter and got to hold her. I am so thankful for that time with her. I still remember exactly what I wanted to remember.... her smell, touch and warmth. She was so perfect and tiny, yet I was surprised at how big she was- I couldn't believe that she came out of me! 25 weeks- a full pound and so long! She had my toes and John's ears. God blessed us during that time and He continues to do so. I would never choose to walk down this path and because I have school to look forward too, I am calm and content but it has been VERY hard. I have had moments when I thought I would never survive the pain- I never knew emotional pain could be so painful. My arms still feel very empty and I get desperate for a child at times. I want a baby so bad but am terrified at the thought. My feelings go up and down so fast. I get angry that I'm running out of time and don't have the life that I thought I would as I approach 30. I feel like I lost 5 years- wasted them. I am going to school in a month and am very excited about it however I wonder if this will replace my dream for a child and family. I wish I wasn't so angry and bitter about life. I hope God will forgive me for being so...
My thought that was very comforting on Saturday was that Dasha has been in heaven for a year. She has been in Jesus' presence and has had no pain or tears. I miss her dreadfully and wonder what it would have been like to have a little one crawling or perhaps walking around our place now. I wish that she would have gotten to know her cousin. I wish that my grandparents could have met her but it looks like they will meet her in heaven before me. I think of the people that have passed away that have impacted my life and they know her up there in heaven. The grandma that held the babies in our church nursery is perhaps holding my Dasha right now. Who knows, but it is comforting to think about her happy and safe.
I was really touched by people who remembered this sad date... one friend gave me a hug and another a flower. It was so nice and meant the world to me.
Dasha, you are my little girl who I still have yet to meet. I miss you and love you so much.
