Today I got a call from my doctor; follow-up test results and all. During the conversation, she used the words "Dasha's demise." I've been hearing that phrase now all day in my head and I hate it. It sounds so dark and final. It makes Dasha seem like less of a human being.
I have a friend that used the phrase 'born still' and it is much more comforting to hear.
Dasha, born still May 8th, 2009.
I miss you and think about you all the time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Hard Heart...
I read a quote today about a person getting a hard heart the further they are away from nature. I have always thought about myself in terms of my "heart." While losing Dasha, I never wanted to get a hard heart- to be callous to the world and live in anger. I had some bad experiences while in Bible college and got a hard heart; I was especially angry at God. So, this time around I made a conscious decision to not be angry at God and therefore to have a soft heart.
I can say for the most part, I have been up and down, hard and soft with how I've dealt with the loss. I look back, amazed, at how I handled planning the funeral and had such a soft heart towards the Lord. I was immersed in Scripture and I didn't blame Him... trust me, I had tons of questions. Now, I'm coming off of a time where my heart has been very hard. I really blamed God for the loss of my baby and the fact that I am still not pregnant. I wonder how my deepest desire has still been denied. I don't see a lesson in all of this. My husband says that things DON'T have to happen for a reason.
There's so much to say about where I am now... I don't want to get into it. I know that after another negative pregnancy test I am again feeling lost and overwhelmed in sadness. I miss her so much and all of the lost opportunities of not being Dasha's mommy.
I can say for the most part, I have been up and down, hard and soft with how I've dealt with the loss. I look back, amazed, at how I handled planning the funeral and had such a soft heart towards the Lord. I was immersed in Scripture and I didn't blame Him... trust me, I had tons of questions. Now, I'm coming off of a time where my heart has been very hard. I really blamed God for the loss of my baby and the fact that I am still not pregnant. I wonder how my deepest desire has still been denied. I don't see a lesson in all of this. My husband says that things DON'T have to happen for a reason.
There's so much to say about where I am now... I don't want to get into it. I know that after another negative pregnancy test I am again feeling lost and overwhelmed in sadness. I miss her so much and all of the lost opportunities of not being Dasha's mommy.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Beginning...
So, why have I decided to begin blogging?
Losing my daughter has been the hardest thing in my life- there will never be enough words to accurately describe the pain of my loss. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to experience her life, while still in me. I felt her move and when she was born still, I was able to see how perfect she was; she had my toes and my husband's ears.
I want to be able to share about her and my journey without her. We named our daughter Dasha, which in Ukraine means gift. She was a wonderful gift from God.
Losing my daughter has been the hardest thing in my life- there will never be enough words to accurately describe the pain of my loss. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to experience her life, while still in me. I felt her move and when she was born still, I was able to see how perfect she was; she had my toes and my husband's ears.
I want to be able to share about her and my journey without her. We named our daughter Dasha, which in Ukraine means gift. She was a wonderful gift from God.
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About Me
- KimmiKay
- I met my husband in Ukraine while on a trip to Zaporozhye Bible College; I was still in high school. We married five years later on October 2nd, 2004. At 25 weeks pregnant, we found out that our precious daughter's heart had stopped beating. She was born still two days later on May 8, 2009. Dasha now has a little sister, Alina, who was born June 24, 2011. She is such a blessing and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness and awe. While pregnant, I completed an intense Masters program to earn my teaching degree. I am eagerly awaiting the time when I can start teaching. I'm a small town girl who has big dreams while living an ordinary life.